Empathic Anxiety & Me

When I think back, I simply cannot remember a time when I did not have anxiety. My family are renowned ‘worriers’ and mental health problems have played a significant part too. As a teenager I lived with my strong, ‘man’s man’, builder Dad who suffered a breakdown and subsequently couldn’t work for 4 years. I experienced my own breakdown in my teens and missed several months from school, and such simple everyday tasks were literally impossible. In a nutshell, I can’t really remember not feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. 
 
Over the past couple of years I have delved into the journeys and processes of rewiring some of the subconscious decisions I have made about myself over my time on this earth. We all do this on a subconscious, and sometimes conscious level, but it’s the subconscious that’s the nitty gritty. 
From a very young age though, I always found unusual situations daunting and would get extremely wound up over it. What others would deem as fun, to me would honestly be almost painful. Like I really had to push myself to get through it, and sometimes I would even be physically ill. I now recognise that some of this, not all admittedly, comes from being an empath.
 
One specific memory is of being at school disco. Whilst it was ‘fun’, I had an overwhelming urge to go home and watch ‘blind date’ with my Mum & Dad! 😂 So I did what any sane kid did… said I felt sick and got the school to ring them to come and collect me. 
 
My parents always said to me ‘you’re always the go to person for your friends aren’t you’?. Back in the day when we only had a house phone, and even that was wired to the wall in our hallway. They would unintentionally hear my conversations and more often than not I could be found giving advice and being ‘much older than my years’. I always figured that this was because of my surrounding family dynamics. My parents had me at what I considered to be old at the time (it really isn’t these days, they were 35 & 42) and I had 2 sisters that were 9 & 12 years older than me, so I largely grew up around older people. 
 
Growing up, I have never followed trends. I always liked clothes that were in fashion last season, I never bothered about magazines much, listened to a variety of music and just didn’t fit the social box. When I hit late teens I had the stark realisation that what others enjoyed, I despised. While they all started venturing out into nightlife, pubs, clubs etc, I found the immense mix of energies, usually alcohol fuelled, one of the most stressful experiences. Over time this grew and grew, I would sometimes try it and go along with them, but maybe be designated driver, but I would ALWAYS be clock watching to leave at the earliest opportunity. That many different people, in that close proximity, in a hot environment, just ewww. 
 
This then fed onto adulthood. Doing a weekly shop for example. I have been known to abandon a full trolley in a supermarket because something has overwhelmingly affected me, and I have just ‘known’ that I need to leave that shop. That said, this doesn’t happen in every situation all the time. I have learnt to make conscious choices to help ease this for me, such as going at quieter times to avoid the crowds. I have also mastered the art of saying ‘no’! If something isn’t in alignment for me, is not enjoyable, I now have the strength to say ‘no thank you, it’s not really my bag’. Yes I get some odd looks at times, as let’s face it how many people don’t enjoy going to the pub?? Well… this girl for one! 🙋🏻‍♀️

Ultimately, it is absolutely ok to do what you need to get through this thing called life. Self preservation is the key, and you don’t need to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. It’s ok to be different, it’s ok to make the necessary changes to keep your inner peace. Anyone not ok with you doing that, are probably not worth having in your life anyway. ✌🏼

More from the blog...